When I felt that there was something physically wrong with me, I would make it a point to go to a doctor. After all, I could get a pill to make it better, so why pass up that opportunity? If I felt that I was losing my connection with God, I made it a point to go to church. If my car was acting up, I took it to a mechanic. If my apartment was having an issue, I would call maintenance.

My history shows that I am more reactive than proactive. I never was into preventive maintenance, which has cost me in the long run, but I was a creature of convenience, and it served me ok.

I believe I have mentioned this before, but in case I have not, Last October I went through so tough times. My father had a massive stroke, my best friend had moved 200 miles away, I was having issues at work. It got too much for me. I started to literally shut down.

As a result, I went to see my doctor. I thought there was a pill she could give me. By the end of the visit, I was referred to a behavioral health facility to do what is known as an intake assessment. This is where they sit down and ask a series of questions to see whether you are suffering from some sort of mental illness.

After the three hour assessment, I came away with a preliminary (and eventually an actual) diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). It was not bad enough to actually fully hospitalize me, but it was going to require intensive group therapy and eventually individual therapy.

Up until this time, I had created a Walter Mitty-esque persona because I really didn’t like myself. People who had known me for years didn’t know the real me. I was beginning to blur reality and the fantasy stories that I fashioned to create an image of…well, I don’t even know what kind of image I created or for that matter wanted to create.

I had to make a conscious effort to get well. And the first decision I had to make was to be completely honest. I went into my first day of group therapy ready to talk. I was told that some people like to watch for a day or two, I was not one of these people. I did sit back for the first half of the group to understand what I was seeing. There were recovering drug addicts, alcoholics, bi-polar sufferers, MDD sufferers, sexual abuse survivors, transgender identity issues and a lot more. But after the first break, I decided to talk.

And talk I did. I told of my plight. I talked about what was going on and what I discovered was that my problems were more than just the chain of events that was happening to at that point. They were much more deeply rooted.

I spent four months in that group. I sat in the same room 3-5 hours a day, five days a week. I made some pretty good friends. And I discovered that there was a man inside me that had a lot to offer.

As was told to me in the group and this actually is the point of this whole post, is that if we are told to eat right, exercise, not smoke, etc and it will allow you to live a healthy life. The problem is that none of that addresses mental health.

Mental health I would dare say is more important that physical health, in my humble opinion, because mental issues can manifest themselves in physical symptoms. As a result of this, I have made a change in my life in 2009, and I will continue this in 2010 and that change is that I am becoming proactive in my mental health.

After leaving the group, I retained an individual therapist. And I really lucked out to because she was the first person I found on my insurance list and she is nothing short of amazing. She has helped me though the death of my father, my distorted thoughts that I carry about myself, professional issues and much more.

As my group therapist used to tell me, give up your idea of what it should be and allow things to happen as they should (or for you Trekkers out there “the Universe will unfold as it should). I have strived to do that and my life has improved immensely in all aspects. Professionally, personally, spiritually, physical health, etc. my life is much better now than it was when I walked into my first group session November 3, 2008.

My point is that we cannot forego being proactive in out mental checkups. MDD is by far the largest underlying reason for suicide than any other mental disorder and is more common than anyone thinks. And as we all know, if you are a large person, we have some sort of mental health trauma in our past, even if it’s just the people that made fun of us. That can really affect self esteem and lower our own idea of our self worth.

So I will continue my mental health check-ups with my therapist and I will continue to build my self esteem, character and develop who I really am. I will continue to root myself in the reality of what is and not the fantasy of who I want to be. That is not to say I won’t strive to be better or try and make a dream or to come true, but I will not live in fantasy.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

~ Max Ehrmann, 1927